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▼ POINT OF ORIGIN: Florida, 2005?

A brown ball of anxiety. We treat him very nicely, but he was in a chaotic household as a kitten so he constantly asks us if we've decided to kill him yet. If company comes over, it's normal for him to hide in the basement until they leave. Overall he prefers men who are quiet and gentle.

Marcel likes to take his food out of the bowl and eat it off the floor. He has a healthy, horrible, full-throated meow that's consistent in tone and volume, like pressing a piano key. Like the rest of him, it's very unfortunate. He's also kind of gross and made a really bad impression on Zsa Zsa by fixating on her butt.


▼ POINT OF ORIGIN: Ohio, 2016

Zsa Zsa (née Baby) was found in an Ohio shelter. She was given up because she and her sister started having territorial screaming fights at 2 in the morning. I was skeptical of adopting a "special" cat who would easily find another home, but Colin had already fallen in love. And you gotta admit: She's designed to be lovable. She's extremely personable and self-assured... hell, she makes better eye contact than I do! She loves attention and snuggling and will always come out to flop in front of company, be they friends, family, or installation contractors.

She's also a spoiled princess. I don't think anyone had ever told her "no" before us, because for a while, lifting her off the dining room table would be met with horrifying pterodactyl shrieks. Full plates and mugs make her go cross-eyed with desire. She also poops waaaay outside the box sometimes. Her "meows" sound like a squeak toy and she will deploy them as soon as you make eye contact.

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▼ POINT OF ORIGIN: Florida, 2012

"My" cat. Annabelle was found in a pet store via a local shelter. She'd had a litter right before we got her (all 'A' names— the shelter had just started a new dictionary, I guess) and she was the last to be adopted.

Annabelle requires the most exercise because she embraces that she is evil and was born to kill. She loves to attack toys, furniture, fingers, walls, support beams, Marcel, my Apple pencil, and her own tail. She can be very sweet, but doesn't like to cuddle and values her personal space. She's also very stupid. When I pet her, she walks away and then complains that I stopped. Her meows are a wide vocabulary of chirps, rumbles, and meows that sound like she's singing to you.


▼ POINT OF ORIGIN: Ohio, 2020

We didn't adopt this thing, it was foisted upon us. It does not like to cuddle. It's good on hard surfaces, but it tends to pull up rugs and trap itself under chairs. It purrs very loud and its meows sound like "PLEASE CLEAR THE OBSTRUCTION FROM THE BRUSHES" and "LOW BATTERY".